oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
