I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
