Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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