I wanna bring you to show and tell
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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