I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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