god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
