Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
