I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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