she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
