if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize