Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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