WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
