She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize