She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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