dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
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Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
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He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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