why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
