Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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