He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
