recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
