You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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