I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
