Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
