my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want to be your penis for a week.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
