life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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