Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
did i just pee glitter
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
