you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
