just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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