i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
