i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
