My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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