Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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