Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
