Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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