id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
