Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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