i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
