maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
