I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
