Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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