He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
