If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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