My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Every concussion has its silver lining
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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