tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
