You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
