I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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