My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
