Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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