Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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