I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
