Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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