i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
