I feel like abortions should bother me more
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
