I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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