My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
