I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
