he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
