Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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