1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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